Balduar's gate Talent Show
by Robert4
Summary: A little 'one the side' from me. I almost forgot about this. For those of you who like this, I'll keep thinking of newer, funnier chapters. Although I AM holding to jobs now... I'm a busy man, y'know... need money and stuff. mostly money...
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Balduars Gate. I don't really own much. In fact, I don't even own enough to use a collateral for a bank loan. The damn bitch wouldn't even give me the lowest amount. Well screw her! I can get my own credit! I don't need this bullshit! What are you looking at?!?  
  
**Theater beneath the Five Flagons Inn. Backstage**  
  
Dislexic: Taking a short break from the main story, Cult of Murder, the cast of Balduars Gate have less-then-unanimously decided to put on a talent show!  
  
Kincaid: I can't believe I let you talk me into this. In fact, I didn't, did I? I didn't get a choice in the matter.  
  
Keldorn: Ahh, but remember. All proceeds from this show go to rebuilding Athkatla and strengthening the amnish guard.  
  
Kincaid: ... Are you waiting for me to give a damn?  
  
Dislexic: *Sigh* this is what I get for giving my PC my own personality. Makes me glad I'm the author, and not a person trying to convince people to cooperate.  
  
Kincaid: That really sucks where I'm standing from.  
  
Dislexic: I know. Now remember, you're the 'ME' in Faerun, so don't disappoint me. I'm going to continue writing.  
  
-Dislexic goes back to his papers, scribbling things-  
  
Kincaid: Whatever.  
  
Realis Shai enters and claps her hands to get everyone's attention.  
  
Realis: Okay now, we have a good crowd tonight, I know not all of you are ready yet, due to some last minute changes...  
  
-Haer'Dalis and Aerie are curiously far apart from each other. Aerie looks angry-  
  
Realis: But we'll just get started with what we have. First up is a duet with Haer'Dalis and ... hmm... Aerie's been scratched off. It's been replaced by... Valygar.  
  
Valygar: Here!  
  
Realis: Alright. you two are up first, the rest of you, get ready.  
  
-Jon Irenicus clears his throat and prepares to practice singing. Jaheira shuffles through some parchments, looking at song titles and the others soon follow suit. Kincaid rolls his eyes and walks into the back dressing room. Viconia looks up and smiles, handing the mage several pieces of parchment.-  
  
Viconia: I've picked out a song for us to sing. What do you think?  
  
Kincaid's eyes widen as he reads: Viconia... we can't sing this. There'll be children in the audience!  
  
Viconia shrugs: So? Teach them the facts of life.  
  
Kincaid: Sorry, but we can't. Realis would never let us.  
  
-Viconia hands him another paper-  
  
Viconia: Well then... how about this?  
  
Kincaid gaps: By Mystra! This ones even worse!........ hmm... I like it.  
  
******** Balduars Gate Talent Show! Act 1********  
  
-Realis Shai enters-  
  
Realis: Good evening, good folk of the audience. Tonight we are proud to present the Balduars Gate Talent show. First up is our very own Haer'Dalis with Valygar Corthalla in.... It Wasn't Me.  
  
Music begins to play in the background.  
  
(Yo man) Yo  
  
(Open up man) What do you want man  
  
(Aerie just caught me)  
  
You let her catch you?  
  
(I don't know how I let this happen)  
  
With who?  
  
(The girl next door, you know?) Man...  
  
(I don't know what to do) Say it wasn't you  
  
(Alright)  
  
Hear'Dalis walks on to the middle of the stage and begins to sing:  
  
Aerie came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door.  
  
Picture this we were both butt-naked, banging on the bedroom floor.  
  
How could I forget that she could teleport straight to me?  
  
She may have been invisible but my ass was out for all to see.  
  
Valygar walks out on stage wearing a furr jacket, a hat and holding a cane. As he begins to sing, he throws the jacket off:  
  
Know you can't bar the woman access to your villa  
  
Here an' there she goes just like any magic-use'a  
  
She knows that it's you just by your hair col'a  
  
Unfortunately too, she knows you have no Broth'a  
  
To be a true actor you must learn how to act.  
  
Never speak a promise, boy, never say a pact.  
  
Keep the truth hidden like a cat in a sack.  
  
But if it doesn't work then you'd better change your tact.  
  
Haer'Dalis: But she caught me on the counter  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
Saw me banging on the sofa  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
I even had her in on the futon.  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
We even did it in the dungeon!  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
She saw the marks on my shoulder  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
Gonna kill if I know her!  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
Think I'd better run further.  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
Or she might turn me to a boulder!  
  
Aerie came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door  
  
Picture this we were both butt-naked banging on the bedroom floor  
  
How could I forget I wasn't in invisibility  
  
If she starts with her spells I just might be another dead Tiefling.  
  
Valygar: Don't cheat on a witch man, that is known by all.  
  
Pissed she may be, bring a deva to her call,  
  
Or smiling at you, but if you see a fireball,  
  
Pick you legs up and start running down the hall.  
  
Say 'twas an illusion and say it wasn't real  
  
Say that it was Edwin an' you he's tryin ta kill.  
  
Ask her if she was usin' her spell True Sight.  
  
But if the answers 'yes' then you sparrow take your flight.  
  
Hear'Dalis: But she caught me in the high room  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
I know she's gonna spell out my doom  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
I even had her in the druid park  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
Not to mention in the Underdark!  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
Now she's memorizing polymorph  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
Think she'll turn me to a gibber-dwarf  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
I don't think I'll get out of this, dude  
  
(It wasn't me)  
  
Now it looks like I am so screwed!  
  
Aerie came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door  
  
Picture this we were both butt-naked banging on the bedroom floor  
  
How could I forget that she was gonna come home early?  
  
I'm a sparrow in a cage with her leaving me nowhere to flee.  
  
Gonna tell her that I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused  
  
I've been listenin' to your reasonin' but I'm hopelessly lost  
  
Gonna brush my hair and wash my face and get my teeth flossed  
  
The I'll show up with some flowers and pray all hopes not lost.  
  
-Valygar and Haer'Dalis bow and leave as the audience give their applause. Realis Shai walks on stage.-  
  
Realis: I hope you enjoyed that. Our next performers are getting ready and should be out soon.  
  
Dislexic: By the next chapter, no doubt.  
  
Realis:..... what he said. 


	2. The REAL Lu Bu

Disclaimer:  There really is little point to this by now.

  When last we were at the Talent Show in Athkatla, we saw… well, you know.  You most likely just read it.  But for me it's been a long time since I've thought about my estranged humor fic.  Luckily, time does not have to move in my fanfic world if I don't want it to, but let's not keep it on pause forever, shall we?  I hear it's not good for the tape.

  Dislexic:  So who's next?

  Raelis Shai: Right now there's a short intermission while the others are getting ready.

  Dislexic: Intermission?

  Raelis: Yes, someone from the Three Kingdoms is going to try his hand at rapping.

  Dislexic:  The Three Kingdoms?  That's an entirely different storyline, having nothing to do with the Forgotten Realms!  It's cross-mixing!  It's terrible!  I like it!  Let me see.

  Raelis:  He's on in two minutes.  We're really hurting for help here, so we decided to allow him a spot.  I just hope he doesn't scare the crowd away.

  Diselxic gathers the papers he using and goes off-stage, but in front of the curtain where he can see who's performing.  Meanwhile, Viconia comes up with a far more lewd song to sing becomes disappointed when she learns she can't sing it, and tries to make it worse.  Jaheira keeps looking for something on protecting the forest, while Minsc tries his hand at completing his sentences using proper grammar.  Boo coaches him.  Korgan and Sarevok practice singing in the back room.  You can guess what song they picked.  Yeah, it has to do with killing things.

*-*-*-*

  Now Performing: Lu Bu of the Three Kingdoms (see _Chinese History, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Dynasty Warriors 3)_

  Song: Real Slim Shady (Note: I saw someone try this pairing of Lu Bu singing Slim on another fic and knew I could do better.  But that's for you to decide.)

  Lu Bu walks, or rather stomps onstage wearing his traditional armor and alien headgear.  The headgear is turned backwards, which would look cool if it was a ball cap.  The music starts.

  Announcer: May I have your attention please?  May I have your attention please?  Will the Real Lu Bu please stand up?  I repeat: Will the Real Lu Bu please stand up?  We're gonna have some killin here.

Lu Bu:  Y'all act like you never seen a Chinese before.

Rise back for more

'cause Cao Cao dropped my head to the floor,

But don't worry; my neck ain't sore,

So now I back an' I'm gonna start killin' some (ACK!)

  It's the return of the "Oh wait,

no wait, you're kidding.

he didn't just kill who I think he did, did he?"

And Dong Zhuo said….

Nothing you idiots, Dong Zhuo's dead; I'm his replacement! (haha)

Getting nothing but critism 

every time I stop to listen,

"Lu Bu I'm sick of him,

look at him!

Walking around, stabbing his you-know-what

right into you-know-who."

"Yeah an he so cruel, though."

  Yeah I probably got one or two emotional issues,

But it's no worse then what most of my enemies have been through.

Sometimes I just wanna shoot 'em all with arrows too,

but can't, but it's cool for Zhang Fei to hump them 'till he's blue!

My spear is in your face!

My spear is in your face!

And if you try to run, Red Hare and I shall give you chase.

And that's the message that I give to little kids,

'You can kill thousands and never know what jail time is!'

Now of course they're gonna do it then

and of course its by the time they turn ten.

Don't they got a PS2 and no friends?

  We ain't nothing but fighters.

well, some of us are brighter

and stay alive, away from the battle site 'n ah…

But if we can get our chances licked and asses kicked,

'cause Dong Zhuo can't defend this mountain for shit.

Well if you` feel like I feel about the Hu Lao Gate.

Battle plan was second-rate.

Sing the chorus, get it straight!

**chorus**

  I'm Lu Bu

  An I wear Fubu

  While I'm watchin' Blue's Clues

  So I learn the new rules

So won't the real Lu Bu please stand up

please stand up

please stand up.

  Lui Bei Doesn't have to kill people to get famous.

Well I do, so I'll kill him and kill you to!

Think I give a damn about an army?

I can do all the fighting myself, go home, and watch Barney!

"But Lu, what if you lose?  Wouldn't that be weird?"

What?  You think that I'd succumb to fear?

So you could stab me here?  

Or kick my rear?

Shit won't happen, so you better just pass the beer

so I can take it over to Daio Chan and Lady Yan,

watch them fight over who's first with me to get it on!

Little bitch, would you betray Dong Zhuo for me?

(Diao Chan): "Oh Lu Bu, you have such long pee-pee."

  I'd say go down to the Wu side and there you'd see

Sun Shang and the Qiao sisters both agree! (Ha!)

I'm sick of you little Wei and Shu guys

you're nothing but small fries

and I'm sittin' and waiting for you to realize

  That there's a million of us 

Right by me

an' behind me,

ready to fight and die for me

who wish they were me

and slay a thousand in one day like me.

It just might be, your next wet dream

to be like me!

**Chorus**

*-*-*-*

  Dislexic: Hey Raelis, I know you're hurting for help, but…. that badly?

  Raelis: Really?  I think he's improved.

  Dislexic checks the schedule.

  Dislexic: Hmm… is this… Solid Snake?

  Raelis: Oh, that's another possible cross-over if we need another intermission.  He said he'd think of something.

  Dislexic: Tcheh, what would his talent be?  Military weapons trivia?

Lu Bu walks offstage over to Raelis and Dislexic.

  Lu Bu:  You stink I did good?

  Raelis:  It's 'Think' Lu.  And yes.  The crowd's complete silence shows their admiration.

  Lu Bu: Lu Bu happy!

  Dislexic: Argh!  Sounds like Minsc!  How'd he manage to schpeal that rap just now?

  Lu Bu:  Easy, Lu Bu Lip-stink!

  Raelis: That's lip-synch.

  Lu Bu: Oh, ok.  I now go get some cough me.

  Lu Bu leaves towards the back of the backstage area.  Dislexic looks questioningly at Raelis.

  Raelis: I think he means 'Coffee'.

  Dislexic throws his hands up in disgust and checks something on his documents.

  Dislexic: Huh, where's my alter-ego?  He should be doing all this crap.

  Kincaid walks out of Viconia's dressing room covered in sweat and wearing a bathrobe.  He gives Dislexic an innocent expression.

  Kincaid:  ….. What?

  Dislexic: You were suppose to be getting ready.

  Kincaid:  I was!  We were practicing singing.

  Diselxic:  Tcheh, I heard the vocals coming out of that room, that wasn't singing.

  Kincaid:  Maybe to you…. to me it was beautiful music…

  Dislexic:  …… hm….

  Kincaid:  What are you thinking?

  Dislexic says nothing and goes back to his desk, writing this and that.  The next performers get ready.

_*_*_*_*_

Here'd a series of disclaimers based on the Real Lu Bu, before any corrections are given, I'll just give them myself.

  1:  Lu Bu never had a chance to wear Fubu

  2:  Lu Bu never lived long enough to watch an episode of Barney, or Blue's Clues.

  3:  Though Lu Bu drank wine heavily, there was no mention of beer.

  4:  Officially, Lady Sun Shang Xiang and the Qiao sisters never saw Lu Bu's penis.

  5:  There is no actual record of Zhang Fei humping his enemies… But Zhang He probably did!

  6:   Lastly, Lu Bu most likely did not have a big penis.  This can be reasoned from the fact that he rode a huge red horse (Today's equivalent of a Ferrari) and wielded a long, heavy halberd (Today's equivalent of a shotgun). In other words, he was obviously compensating for something.   

-8-0-|-\-/-

  Okay, a few people reviewed so I felt obligated to follow up with this one.  You'll notice I'm responding with this faster then my ongoing novel, Cult of Murder, eh?  That's because I got reviews here.  I really want to stress that reviews, in great numbers, encourage an author to continue.  The feedback lets him know that people are reading what he's doing, even if the reviews are critical (like the ones I'm about to receive for this chapter) they still help incredibly.  In any case, I promised myself I wasn't going to rant on this subject on this chapter, so I'll stop.

  I know Lu Bu doesn't belong in Balduar's Gate, but you see…. There's this thing.  I was reading through the Romance of the Three Kingdoms section of Fanfiction.net when I came across the above idea.  Lu Bu doing a Slim Shady song.  Some of it was pretty good, and would have been funny if more effort had been put into it.  I couldn't resist.  I knew instantly that I had to do it, but didn't want to post it on the 3 kingdoms section where people would think I was copying.

  I'm not copying, I'm improving.  I'm doing something better then the guy before my. Why?  Because I can!  And I have an hour or two of spare time, clean underwear, a cup of fresh tea, warm socks, the temperature is a bit high but, being a guy, I'm not subjected to the need to wear more then (1) articles of clothing.  Well, three if you count both the socks.

  I'll do my rant in chapter 11 of Cult of Murder.  well, two rants.  I have to gripe about them taking my NC-17 lemons away!

Yours for your monthly humor intake,

Dislexic With Tea (Hell, just call me Robert.  I think I'll change my authoring name soon anyway.  I don't even spell Dislexik right.)


End file.
